Something happened and it touched my heart very deeply so i wanted to share it with you. Self harm and how common it actually is.
I had breakfast with a friend and she showed me a photo of a series of cuts on someone’s arm. They were razor blade slashes and had only just been done and then posted on social media. She said there were a whole tribe out there of cutters and suicide potentials and her eyes filled with tears.
I was moved by her emotion and genuine compassion for these people. Her inability to understand why someone would self-harm in the first place and her heartfelt desire to help. As she’d never experienced this depth of despair herself she felt unable to offer the right advice or words. My answer to that was:
‘The fact you care and you want to help is what is the most important.’
Then, like important moments do, I thought about this and also cared very deeply for the broken souls that are crying out for help. The broken souls that have connected through social media because;:
‘At least they understand each other’.
Self Harm: My Connection
You see I am a former ‘cutter’ and I also attempted suicide more than once. It’s a long time ago now. I wear a lot of beads around my left wrist to cover the bigger scars which are faded white. If you look closely I have thin white scars in other places too. I also had stitches for quite a few, the bigger ones and the suicide ones.
I’m sharing this for those of you that want to understand why someone would do that to themselves.
I also want to bring to the attention a taboo subject which is not really spoken about. I can only speak from my own experience but I wanted to be a voice for these guys. Just like anyone else on this planet, we all have a story and we all need to feel heard.
I didn’t cut for one reason.
It started when I was 14. There were a series of events leading up to it that pushed me into a spiral of deep, deep despair. Throughout my childhood I felt betrayed on all levels in every way. I was trapped.
Maybe they cared but they never took the time to take any focus away from themselves. They were more concerned with how my ‘cutting’ would reflect on them and what other people would think. Did I feel loved? No.
I felt trapped in a nightmare that I couldn’t get out of.
I’m writing a book about it now which one day I will reveal all of my story. In this moment though I want to explain what was the emotional state of a cutter and what drove me to it.
It was like an urge.
The emotions within me were layered with this numbness and a dirty feeling inside. I hated myself and I hated the world I lived in. I also was so jammed up that I couldn’t even cry. This was 14 years old and so I began to cut. I started with a razor blade and would watch with fascination as the blood would trickle out of me. It felt like I was trying to get the poison within me out.
I needed somehow to release the pain.
I now know that when we hurt our body it releases hormones to counteract the pain. So there was some kind of rush to it, a short lived release. The tension that was building within me was somehow leaving me in that moment. Of course it always came back so cutting became a habit, an addiction. It was also a way of gaining some kind of control back into my life. I was so damaged that for me my message was;
‘If this is what this world is like. If all it is about is manipulation, guilt tripping, abuse and control. Then I’ll take back the control by being the one that hurts me.’
I was proud of my wounds. Also extremely guilty although if anyone ever asked me why I really didn’t have a proper answer. I just needed to do it.
Later on I would do it in extreme rage.
I was so consumed by emotions I had no way of dealing with them. By that time I was beyond razor blades. Anything would do, knives glass, whatever was available to me at the time.
I frequented the hospital a few times in a row and they treated me like a waste of time. Why did they have to deal with me when they were so busy with genuine accidents? I could feel the passive aggressive disapproval of tight lipped nurses while they stitched my latest wound.
Even though my self harm began to slow as I neared 30, the compulsion still lay within me.
My stories’ a happy ending but it wasn’t without a fight. I had to fight for my happiness, my sanity and to have healthy emotions and a life I love. I spent 10 years of self healing, therapy, energy healers and mystics and found something to live for.
When I packed my bags and said goodbye and left my former life it was with a sense of angry disgust. I emigrated in search of something new. I turned my back on the world that tried to ‘control’ me.
Self Harm: The Sensitives, non conformists, the Rebellious Hearts Tribe
It’s my feeling that self harmers, emotionally disturbed people are the ‘rejects’ of a system that fails to acknowledge sensitive humans. A system that fails to acknowledge the affects of a toxic upbringing. A society that has no compassion for the people that just can’t or won’t conform. People that refuse to fit in to the ballshit we are drip fed from unconscious upbringings and schooling.
The thing about a cutter is it is the ultimate rebellion of living in a system that lacks compassion and doesn’t work.
You can’t hide, sweep it under the carpet and pretend it’s not happening. A cutter is the perfect example that our emotionally numb and dead world is missing the most important value of living. We need emotional connection, love, compassion and to allow others to shine in their individuality.
Humans can not be put into boxes and branded by their class, colour, religion or country.
This world and us as humans are failing to step up. We are neglecting to claim responsibility for the mental state of our brothers and sisters.
So if you come across a cutter. Don’t treat them like an inconvenience for being honest about their pain.
Cutters are teaching you something. They are the brave ones. They are the ones that refuse to hide their feelings, the ones that wear their pain for others to see.
Me? I was so sensitive because I was also an empath, absorbing the pain of anyone that I came into contact with.
I was also full of so much of my own abuse and torment that I just couldn’t get it all out.
Today I send a huge wave of love out there for those that are suffering in silence.
I want to let them know they are not alone. I hope if you ever meet a self harmer that instead of turning in the opposite direction or being repulsed, ask them to tell their story.
Listen without judgment.
Maybe they don’t need your advice. Just having someone to listen that isn’t telling them ‘not to hurt themselves.’ Like that ever works. Fucktards – it’s deeper than that. Adds value to their lives by allowing them to just be themselves and feeling like someone actually cares.
The cutting stopped for me when I listened to my soul and began the long path of self healing.
I made changes in my life and learned how to manage my energy, gave myself a reason to live.
Maybe my reason is to be the voice for others that are still there.
To let them know that I did it. I moved beyond it and if they want to, if they are ready to find their inner strength they can too…
It isn’t easy but it’s possible because the world needs the sensitive people. It needs the rebels, the misfits. Those of us that actually still have feelings. We need to start taking care of each other.
We need to start saying no to a system designed to create traumatized, disturbed humans that are easy to control.
Fuck the system. We don’t need you but we do need each other.
(Message from Abi. I would also like to invite anyone that is touched by my blogs or looking for direction in self-healing, breaking patterns to please join me on my personal Facebook page. You can also contact me personally through my website. Facebook Abigail Pattman – join the tribe. Just send a pm with the title of the blog so I know you are genuine. It’s time we start coming together. You are not alone. Much love…)